Nostradamus’ Quatrains on the “Coming of Trump”

The New Year is always supposed to be a time for renewal. We turn to the switch of the year, as if it means so much. It really is just a number- a defense acceptable in journalism, but rarely in statutory rape cases anywhere father north than the Arkansas/Missouri line. As we become complacent, believing that this switch from 2016 to 2017 will somehow offer some semblance of stability, there are historic figures that come up, every once in a while, that should be revisited. Nostradamus is among these voices. (more…)

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Household Vacuum Deaths On the Rise, Says Phil- No Background in Research and Doesn’t Own a Vacuum


2016 has nearly ended, but the numbers are already in. As of December 28th, the past year didn’t only take away like nearly every celebrity that we actually still wanted here, it also was the worst year, on record, for vacuum-related fatalities. Or, at the very least, that’s what Phil said.

According to Phil, “a surge in vortex-based technologies has created a vacuum-medium rife with pedophiles and pocket-snatchers.”  Yeah. Alright, Phil. 
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Mother Accidentally Locks Child in Car. Vehicle Rolls into Bay. Drives Itself Out.

Janice Stanton found herself the subject of every mother’s worst nightmare. She was making what she intended to be a quick stop at a Monterey Bay grocer. Parked in the downtown area, along the shoreline, she exited her vehicle and went to open the back door to get her infant son out of his carseat. She pulled the latch on the back door and found that the door had locked. She reached into her pockets searching for her keys. Panic struck, when she saw them sitting in the driver’s seat. (more…)

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Officer with Small Dick Assaults a Beautiful Woman That Has Faced Hardships He Will Never Understand

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Well, if you want to spend time with your family this Christmas, don’t be black and don’t live in Texas. If it weren’t for the extreme availability of digital cameras built into nearly every cell phone, the Craig family from Ft. Worth, may have spent their Christmas in the old gray bar motel. Fortunately, the incident was streamed and quickly gained steam through social media. The white officer refused to comment, this is likely because his dick is the width of a candy cane (more…)

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“That Face” Not a Big Deal Anymore in Trump’s White House


Trump strategist and former “Halloween Town” resident, Kellyanne Conway, has been named White House counselor to the president. This goes against Trump’s previous stance that the way a face looks should be a deciding factor in appointment of officials and directly conflicts with his earlier remarks that Carly Fiorina was somehow unfit to be President because “look at that face!” Not good-looking enough to be a president, but good enough for the cabinet certainly sounds par for the course. As Trump has a long history of keeping certain staff seperated from the main living quarters, why should the White House be any different? (more…)

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Trump Jr’s Allowance Cut in Half for Not Wearing a Red Tie. Eric Still Daddy’s ‘Lil Bitch.


One naughty boy may not be getting any coal this Christmas. For Donald Trump Jr. that is actually a bad thing. For all members of the Trump flock, rewards are divvied up according to how in line their actions line up with their father’s wishes. While Eric continues to be the apple of his eye, Ivanka remains the sparkle in it when he’s “taking a long shower”, and Donald Jr. remains sidelined. The young men were given simple instructions- “wear a red tie like mine.” Eric has obliged and he continues to receive his allowance of $65,000 a week, Jr. however, had his cut down to a mere $32,500. Eric is also rumored to receive a large stake in Trump’s existing stock holdings in the Coal industry, when a government regulation will inevitably require that he relinquish any financial holdings that could conflict with his decision-making as President. For what is perhaps a first in American history, coal for Christmas could actually turn into a lucrative gift.

-Contributed by Jackie Coime

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Questionable Methods Have Pokémon’s Progression System Under Fire

Originally touted as a way to integrate the real world into a video game, many saw this move as a positive one- forcing gamers off the couch and onto the sidewalks for the ultimate bragging rights. Of course, others have looked for ways to “cheat” the game’s version of a pedometer with such workarounds as taping your phone to a ceiling fan or harnessing it to a, comparatively more active, family pet. It’s not just fans looking to “show-up” their friends that have gotten in on the craze. This summer, myriad millenials, and even professionals that found themselves with a bit too much free time could be seen in large public areas, stopping randomly, and then flicking at the screen on their phones, until… a smile peeks, as they continue heading wherever they were meaning to go. It’s all good, clean, mass appealing fun, right? Well, not for everyone. (more…)

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Sad & Whatever

Sad. That’s sad. What’s really sad is losing the meaning of sad through a continually out of touch candidate that uses the word much like one would casually use “whatever” in the 90s. Try it. Everytime you read an article or hear a speach when Donald Trump caps off a rant with this one word, supposed “thought-provoking” insight, just replace it in your head with “whatever”. Go back a bit more than a decade and insert Alicia Silverstone’s tone in Clueless. “What-ever!” He is clueless after all. Sad. Perhaps, this will make the speeches and tweets easier to stomach. Whatever.

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NEW PROJECT: Rewriting the Bible

GENESIS

In the beginning, there was nothing. No people, no wifi, and no pizza on a bagel (so you can eat pizza anytime). But then, God said “this sucks”. And so he made people. He made the people, and trees, and other nature shit and said “this is pretty fuckin’ bomb”. And so it was.

But then the people were just wandering. It started as just two people. They were technically siblings, but they fucked anyways, ‘cause that’s really the only way to make other people. God had told them that and they were like “well if God says to bang each other, we should probably do it.” There was a brief encounter with a snake and an apple- and for some reason the apple ended up being more dangerous. Don’t ask me. God just told me to write about how life started. (more…)

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