“Hope” Less in Arkansas

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Nestled a short twenty-five miles from the Texas border lie a tiny, little town filled with simple folks, sub-par dining options, and more watermelons than you can shake a stick at. I stayed at the finest hotel in town, which turned out to be a dilapidated Holiday Inn Express. However, I was quickly reminded, by the homely hotel staff, that we were in the best location in town. As this hotel is physically located in the parking lot of Hope, Arkansas’ most popular stomping ground- Walmart…

After the five hour cruise, I was ready for a drink. How lucky I was, then, to be so conveniently located to Walmart. Of course, even without the help of liquor, my eagerness quickly washed away. I walked past isle after isle, clearly looking for something. Not one of the myriad of employees or, as they prefer, “associates” offered me any help, though I clearly looked hopelessly lost. Finally, I concluded, I would need to approach someone on my own volition, as I track down these beverages. At a checkout counter, I met with a dim and very unfriendly young man. “Where do you keep the liquor?” I asked.

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Like Satire? Here’s an Opportunity to Fund it!

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I have turned to Kickstarter, for a crowd-funding project that would lead to the broom review of this century. I know what a broom review needs! A broom review requires a fun attitude, mixed with honesty and integrity, as well as a host of brooms ripe for testing. Help make this dream a reality. All contributors will be formally acknowledged as contributors to this in-depth look at American brooms. The most financially supportive will receive special treatment. Damn, this sounds familiar. Oh, yeah. It must be that whole living America thing! It’s like campaign contributions,  but without any personal-gain incentives.

Either way, there’s a damn good chance that this is a worthwhile cause. Who wouldn’t spend $5 to save themselves from years of multiple, “shoddy” broom purchases? I’ve done extremely light research on contribution demographics. My passable studies have led to some astounding revelations. Supposed Fact: 100% of ISIS members do not support my campaign. So, who on Earth wouldn’t spend $5 on my campaign? ISIS. Be different… fuck, is that line taken? Okay, then. Just don’t be ISIS. There. Now, let’s make some fun!

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Toe Letter

To Whom It May Concern:

Dude! Totally not paying the amount you are asking for the work on my toe. My toe is still messed up. I will gladly and gratefully reimburse you for work done to a fixed toe. For now, my toe is not a toe. It is all unnaturally straight and it doesn’t move right. That isn’t cool at all. I mean, sure it is straight now, and it was crooked when I arrived. However, I came to your offices to repair my toe, and you simply straightened it. Do you know what happens when you straighten a slinky? I’ll tell you what happens. It isn’t fun anymore. Should I pay for the work done to one of my southern digits, I require full recovery. I am requesting toe rehab. Until my toe does that thing where it scrunches up, I refuse payment. The amount you request is too high for the shoddy toe repair that I received. Fix my toe, and then I will pay you the money stuff you asked for. Good day!

Sincerely,

Heath Louis Goetsch

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Mother

My first memory of my mother was of her hitting my father over the head with an empty bottle of Grey Goose vodka. He was yelling, “Stop it, Jackie! Think about the kids.” But she just kept hitting and hitting until he eventually collapsed onto the kitchen floor. I would later learn that she was really drunk, but at that age I didn’t know of that sort of thing, so I just thought she hated my dad.

In kindergarten, I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told the teacher that I wanted to be a bartender, so that I could see my mom more. (more…)

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Letter to College

Dear College,

You cost too much. Stop being a dick and asking for money. All I want to do is learn shit. Can’t we both just be cool about this?

When I first talked to you, you couldn’t get me started soon enough and I said i wasn’t sure if I was ready. Then you told me I wouldn’t have to pay until I’m done. That’s when you sprung the “pay to retake” fee is paid by the student shit on me. Dude, you knew my history from the start. I was 24 and just starting college. I obviously fucked up a few times, and it was bound to happen again.

In conclusion, after two years this is how I write. Does this represent a formal letter in any manner other than formatting? No. A third grader could have done this. Furthermore, you suck and your fees suck. Eat me, dickface.

Sincerely,
Heath Louis Goetsch

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