Cause and Affect

Ask an old man what he wanted out of life. He will likely tell you that he found it years ago. He may not have, but he’s told himself the same story for years and so he firmly believes that he achieved his goals however big or small they may be. Ask a young man the same question and he may speak of dreams and aspiration- larger than life expectations. (more…)

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Household Vacuum Deaths On the Rise, Says Phil- No Background in Research and Doesn’t Own a Vacuum

2016 has nearly ended, but the numbers are already in. As of December 28th, the past year didn’t only take away like nearly every celebrity that we actually still wanted here, it also was the worst year, on record, for vacuum-related fatalities. Or, at the very least, that’s what Phil said.

According to Phil, “a surge in vortex-based technologies has created a vacuum-medium rife with pedophiles and pocket-snatchers.”  Yeah. Alright, Phil. 

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Mother Accidentally Locks Child in Car. Vehicle Rolls into Bay. Drives Itself Out.

Janice Stanton found herself the subject of every mother’s worst nightmare. She was making what she intended to be a quick stop at a Monterey Bay grocer. Parked in the downtown area, along the shoreline, she exited her vehicle and went to open the back door to get her infant son out of his carseat. She pulled the latch on the back door and found that the door had locked. She reached into her pockets searching for her keys. Panic struck, when she saw them sitting in the driver’s seat. (more…)

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Officer with Small Dick Assaults a Beautiful Woman That Has Faced Hardships He Will Never Understand


Well, if you want to spend time with your family this Christmas, don’t be black and don’t live in Texas. If it weren’t for the extreme availability of digital cameras built into nearly every cell phone, the Craig family from Ft. Worth, may have spent their Christmas in the old gray bar motel. Fortunately, the incident was streamed and quickly gained steam through social media. The white officer refused to comment, this is likely because his dick is the width of a candy cane (more…)

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Trump Jr’s Allowance Cut in Half for Not Wearing a Red Tie. Eric Still Daddy’s ‘Lil Bitch.

One naughty boy may not be getting any coal this Christmas. For Donald Trump Jr. that is actually a bad thing. For all members of the Trump flock, rewards are divvied up according to how in line their actions line up with their father’s wishes. While Eric continues to be the apple of his eye, Ivanka remains the sparkle in it when he’s “taking a long shower”, and Donald Jr. remains sidelined. The young men were given simple instructions- “wear a red tie like mine.” Eric has obliged and he continues to receive his allowance of $65,000 a week, Jr. however, had his cut down to a mere $32,500. Eric is also rumored to receive a large stake in Trump’s existing stock holdings in the Coal industry, when a government regulation will inevitably require that he relinquish any financial holdings that could conflict with his decision-making as President. For what is perhaps a first in American history, coal for Christmas could actually turn into a lucrative gift.

-Contributed by Jackie Coime

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Questionable Methods Have Pokémon’s Progression System Under Fire

Originally touted as a way to integrate the real world into a video game, many saw this move as a positive one- forcing gamers off the couch and onto the sidewalks for the ultimate bragging rights. Of course, others have looked for ways to “cheat” the game’s version of a pedometer with such workarounds as taping your phone to a ceiling fan or harnessing it to a, comparatively more active, family pet. It’s not just fans looking to “show-up” their friends that have gotten in on the craze. This summer, myriad millenials, and even professionals that found themselves with a bit too much free time could be seen in large public areas, stopping randomly, and then flicking at the screen on their phones, until… a smile peeks, as they continue heading wherever they were meaning to go. It’s all good, clean, mass appealing fun, right? Well, not for everyone. (more…)

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Sad & Whatever

Sad. That’s sad. What’s really sad is losing the meaning of sad through a continually out of touch candidate that uses the word much like one would casually use “whatever” in the 90s. Try it. Everytime you read an article or hear a speach when Donald Trump caps off a rant with this one word, supposed “thought-provoking” insight, just replace it in your head with “whatever”. Go back a bit more than a decade and insert Alicia Silverstone’s tone in Clueless. “What-ever!” He is clueless after all. Sad. Perhaps, this will make the speeches and tweets easier to stomach. Whatever.

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They All Go

Sometimes, when people meet, no matter what label you apply, it is an equivocally fateful introduction. In a hospital waiting room amidst the beeps of machines and the quick discourses between doctors, an old man weeps over recent bad news. The doctor says she won’t make it through the night, however Benny knows she is going as they speak. Benny knew, when he met her, how and when and where she would die. He also knew the doctor would die of lung cancer in fifteen years, but no sense cueing him in, he thought. He’s a doctor and he knows the facts, and that closet addiction would catch up someday. And, as always, Benny was correct. The doctor’s pager lit up, he glanced, excused himself hurriedly, and scurried through the swinging doors. Benny laid his head in his hands and wept. The doctors would try to revive her, but it was 11 minutes past midnight, and Benny had been here before. But, this time there was one small variant. On this day a young boy approached and asked him a very precise question, “How old was Wendy?” (more…)

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The Search Party

10 A.M.

Turkish sits in his pod. It doesn’t give him much room to move around. Everyone lives in these; or almost everyone. What’s important is that Turkish Fox was one of the somebodies looped in with everybodies, now. He wasn’t always this way. He used to have a big house. He had an exciting job, albeit an illegal one. He loved the countryside. As he sit in his high-tech “pod”, he contemplates. It’s not much larger than a prison cell, he compares. He remembers the mountains and the way animals moved about among us. He recalls watching them survive and prey, in younger years, on his grandfather’s farm. He has visions of the rolling hills and the grasses that sway as slight breezes abrupt them. All of these beautiful memories have become part of a distant past; and while Turkish would rather repose and revel in these pieces of new history, he must report to work- to sort mail. (more…)

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