NEW PROJECT: Rewriting the Bible


In the beginning, there was nothing. No people, no wifi, and no pizza on a bagel (so you can eat pizza anytime). But then, God said “this sucks”. And so he made people. He made the people, and trees, and other nature shit and said “this is pretty fuckin’ bomb”. And so it was.

But then the people were just wandering. It started as just two people. They were technically siblings, but they fucked anyways, ‘cause that’s really the only way to make other people. God had told them that and they were like “well if God says to bang each other, we should probably do it.” There was a brief encounter with a snake and an apple- and for some reason the apple ended up being more dangerous. Don’t ask me. God just told me to write about how life started.

So they banged, incestuously for many days. Eventually Eve got fat. Adam went looking for a skinnier human, but came to realize that there weren’t any. He considered that the apple must have been loaded with carbs, thusly contributing to her excessive weight gain. He tried it, too. Hoping to balance everything out.

Alas, after some months a baby girl was born. All Adam had to do now was wait till she was 18 (16 in some states). And this sort of semi-consensual inbreeding went on for thousands of years. And that’s how people were made.

SIDE NOTE: Got kept getting pissed that everybody was naked. I don’t get it either. But, for whatever reason he felt that he had created was bad unclothed. Eve started an Etsy-esque campaign to selling loincloth and bound fig leaves. People bought it, but ya know, she was their mom. What choice did they have. At any rate, her cloths sold well. Still, it would have been much more profitable had she waited some-thousand years; some bitch on Etsy sells this kind of thing to holistic couples at crazy inflated prices.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself, and therefor ahead of God’s word. He made everything in like six days, and on the seventh day he was like “fuck it! Good enough.” And on the eigth day, heavy with a hangover, because he earned a night of drinking, because, hell, he made- i don’t know- the whole damn world; well on this day he looked upon his creation and said, “it’s good enough for now.” All along he was thinking that we would pick up the slack, because he made us intelligent beings with free will. However, we are constant disappointments, gays shouldn’t marry, but it’s cool to own a slave. Got all that? Cool. We can move onto darker shit.

God said the “End of Days” would start with plagues and fire and brimstone. He wants to remind us, that we will most definitely know when it is upon us. All should be reminded that misquitos, natural fires, and missiles named “Brimstone” are not what he meant. Furthermore, when it’s happening, you’ll know it. If he does decide to pull the plug on all of our bickered, self-prophetic bullshit- then, we will know damn well. This, according to the word of God.

In my younger and more venerable years…

God wished some weird shit on women. He made childbirth hurt. He also got in on some “fifty shades of grey” shit and told Eve that Adam was her “master”. dude even made them both leather garments. Kinky. Adam was told that he would have to work, though I’ve been told that some king added that line to get men to work for him “in the name of God”. Shit happens.

After some time, Eve gets all prego again. She does this twice, producing two little fuckers called Cain and Abel. God changes his name to The Lord, much like Prince changed his name to a symbol. The Lord starts talking to Cain with off-words like crestfallen. This drives Cain to madness. Out of frustration, Cain kills Abel. When The Lord asks about it, Cain says, “I’ve been here all night- and I have an alabi.” But, The Lord formerly known as God is quite privy to what is going on in the world that he made, so he tells Cain that he can smell the death in the soil.

They find Abel dead. Thus, being able is not enough. One must be righteous. Anything less, and The Lord hates you… In so many words.